I was tired as I woke this morning. So I pushed myself out of bed to meet my friends. I didn’t want to miss it for some reason. I had felt low all morning. Rolling with the flow. Not sure what was happening within. Was my depression arising? Was I just tired? At breakfast I sat to listen. My appetite was low. I was there but I wasn’t. I felt quiet not having anything to contribute and when I did I wondered why I offered. It was as if I felt numb in a way. Navigating the moments but not feeling any of them.
As I drove home a song played which I felt so deeply. The image of my dad in his final moments appeared and I cried. I felt a release but there is more to shed. Grief, sorrow, pain, not understanding, disappointment that I never got the relationship I craved so deeply and didn’t even know I wished for. Yes I know, it is as it is to be but currently I find this hard to grasp. No, the little girl in me needs to cry. Cry of all the loss which is on so many levels. There are no redos, there are no more words to say with the physical.
How do I accept all has been the way it was to be? How does the little girl in me arrive at this agreement? Maybe it is not time. Maybe right now I am to allow the tears and feel my heart breaking. Spirit reminds me it is breaking open but it doesn’t feel like that in this moment.
I thought, as I drove, how I could easily keep traveling and never stop. Discovering myself in different places and spaces. But I am not here to run away anymore. This life invites in feeling, emotion. How can we live deeply in this life rooted to all things if we don’t allow ourselves to feel? The tree feels the wind moving it’s branches, the hawk feels the air beneath its wings, the animal may sense its predator, the shore feels the waters kissing it and the flower feels the sunlight hugging its petals.
Life is to feel and feel is to life.
How do we learn it's safe to feel within our depths? How do we trust ourselves to have these experiences? How do we make friends with our guide posts arising from within us? It is all of choice. So what do I choose? What do you choose?