Grief is an interesting character, isn’t it?
We don’t know how to befriend it. Maybe we ignore it. Hide it away. Maybe we manage to sit with it for a moment, but that becomes too much, so we walk away as if we’ve left a bad date sitting at the table.
Over the last five years, I have found a kind of acceptance. Slowly, riding the waves of highs and lows, I have settled into a middle ground. Allowing myself to feel what arises, hold myself through it, and then let it leave.
Deaths are mile markers in our lives. They become reference points for change, growth, and then more change.
Over these five years, I have moved through many of the emotions of the little girl who wanted something other than what she got. More recently, I came to a deep shift regarding my dad, how I interpreted him, and how I viewed our relationship. In some ways, I set myself free from the confines I had created.
Now, when I think of my dad, I lean more toward the joy. His humor. His caring. His support. I have loosened my grip on the judgments I once carried and allowed myself to see him more fully.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get sad. I do.
The difference is that it is no longer the sadness that comes from an unresolved relationship. It is no longer tied to the things I wished he had said or done, or the things I wished had been different.
Instead, there is a clarity that has settled in. Not just in my mind, but in my heart. In my emotions. In the stories I carried for so long.
As the fifth anniversary of my dad’s passing approaches, I find myself reflecting on how much has changed. How much I have changed.
I can now see the gifts he gave me more clearly. Gifts that were always there but that I could not fully receive while looking through the lens of old hurts and old stories.
For that, I am deeply grateful.
And for my dad, always.
Perhaps healing is not always about letting go of the person, the dream, or the experience. Perhaps it is about letting go of the story we have carried about it.
With love and blessings,
Susan
My book, Lost In The Truth is out now, currently available on Amazon and arriving on other platforms soon.